


this is how we fall in love (or not)

by savannahrunes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Aro ace Raphael Santiago, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, M/M, Queerplatonic relationship, Supportive Simon Lewis, i just really fuckin love aro ace raph, queerplatonic saphael, raph is aro ace but him and simon have the best relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 09:57:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11182587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savannahrunes/pseuds/savannahrunes
Summary: Maybe Simon and Raphael were never meant to be boyfriends. And maybe that's okay. Because maybe they're happy just the way they are.





	this is how we fall in love (or not)

**Author's Note:**

> i adore saphael. and i adore aro ace raphael. hence this was born.  
> i have honestly been writing this for months and months oops my inspiration for writing has been so low recently. but here, finally something new from me. chapter two will be out as soon as i write it so it may be a while soz.  
> set after season 1 of shadowhunters but canon events don't really come into play.  
> please read, review, and let me know your thoughts! do you feel as passionately about aro ace raphael as i do? let me know :)

“Raphael,” Simon said as he reclined on Clary’s bed, “is a fucking idiot.”

It had been three weeks since the vampires had let Simon back into the clan, and he had slipped almost immediately back into their ranks, learning new things about the Vampire Clan of New York every day. For example, their idea of fun was either to go out and drink the blood of drunk people in order to get drunk themselves (“Don’t worry, fledgling, they don’t actually _kill_ anyone,” Raphael had reassured him with his ever present sarcastic tone lurking), or staying in the Dumort and playing intense games of monopoly that almost always ended up with someone nearly throwing the board out of the window in frustration.

It was refreshing, in a way, to see the way the vampires banded together and interacted with one another. They really were like a big, slightly unconventional family, and Simon was secretly quite pleased to be a part of it, even if he was still on probation for helping the Shadowhunters free Camille.

However, Raphael continued to be his sarcastic, annoying, smirking self. He had been fuming at Simon for his betrayal, but surprisingly willing to give him a second chance, which confused Simon to no end. He couldn’t help but ask himself why.

“Do elaborate,” said his ginger friend, smiling. “What’s he done this time?”

“Everything,” exclaimed Simon, throwing his hands in the air. “He’s just always there, smirking, telling me what I’m doing wrong. Like when he was trying to teach me how to use vampire speed properly, all he did was stand there and smirk. Why does he smirk all the fucking time, Clary?”

Clary shrugged. “How am I supposed to know? Maybe that’s just his face.”

Simon could picture it now, the signature Raphael smirk. As though he constantly knew something that Simon didn’t, was constantly playing a game. It _was_ annoying, but he couldn’t help but admit that it was also kind of endearing.

It was the kind of smirk that passed between friends.

Simon found he quite liked the idea of him and Raphael being considered friends.

“How are things, at the Dumort? How’s vampire life? Or un-life, I should say? Besides the smirking.” Clary was so often talking about her Shadowhunter life, it left very little time for them to catch up on what Simon had been getting up to.

“Surprisingly, pretty good. Most people have gotten over the whole betrayal thing, though I think Raphael convinced them to, for whatever reason. I mean, they’re not exactly warm and welcoming, but they’re far from hostile. It’s weird, having to navigate myself in this new environment, but I learn new things every day.”

“Same as me, then. We’ve both taken the plunge into this new, crazy life, haven’t we, Si?”

She was looking contemplative, no doubt considering just how much their lives had been turned upside down when she had first seen Jace and the Lightwoods in Pandemonium. Simon knew that she was still worried that because she had brought him along, he’d ended up dying and being turned into a vampire, no matter how many times he reassured her that he had never blamed her, not even once. But he would never stop telling her that it was not her fault, and that it didn’t matter anyway.

“This new, crazy, amazing life. Yeah it’s scary sometimes, but I wouldn’t go back to being a clueless mundane for the world.”

Clary’s face relaxed into a smile, and Simon knew he had said the right words.

“The only reason I would go back would be so that I don’t have to hear you go on and on about Raphael anymore.”

Simon shoved her playfully. “Shut up. I don’t talk about him that much.” This only caused her to giggle teasingly. “Do I?”

“Not a word, Simon. Not a word.”

* * *

 

Outside, the noon sunlight was shining down onto the earth, glaring, glittering, piercing. That was outside, however. Simon was trapped in the Dumort, abstractly wondering what it was like out there now, when darkness was but a distant memory and the whole world was bathed in light. It seems like a lifetime ago since he had last seen it in person, and even though on the surface it seemed like such a small thing, now that he’d been a vampire for a while it was one of the things he was really starting to miss.

“Can’t sleep?” Raphael’s voice broke him out of his contemplative reverie, startling him.

Simon looked over at the older vampire, surprised to see that his face was devoid of his trademark smirk. He seemed serious and thoughtful as he wound his way across the room, sitting himself on the couch next to Simon.

“I was just thinking, I guess.”

“About what?” Simon was surprised at the genuine curiosity behind the words. Due to his rambling tendencies, he had learnt that more often than not even if people seemed interested, they didn’t care what he was saying. Clary was probably the exception; she always valued whatever he had to say and responded accordingly. But Raphael had never seemed to care before, preferring to exchange quips than have any real conversation.

“I don’t really know. I guess about what I’ve lost. You know, by becoming a vampire. All the things I miss.”

There was a moment of silence, but it was companionable instead of awkward. Simon glanced over at Raphael, who seemed to be ruminating on what Simon had said. Eventually he plucked up the courage to ask, “What about you? Why are you up so late? Or early? Is midday early or late in vampire terms?”

That earned him a soft smile, a quirk of the lips, before Raphael answered. “I was thinking too, I suppose. Today is the anniversary of when I turned, sixty four years ago. It’s a long time, but every so often I get pangs of all the things I left behind. My family…My mother…” He trailed off, and Simon was struck at the humanity behind his dark eyes. In that moment, Raphael was not the untouchable vampire, or the sarcastic yet mostly aloof leader of the clan. It was easy to forget at times, but Raphael was as human as Simon was, and he actually did have emotions and feel things.

Even though he knew he would likely fail, Simon wanted to offer something, some words to give to Raphael to comfort him. “I’m glad you feel like that,” he ended up blurting, mentally smacking himself for how stupid he sounded. But he carried on anyway, determined to say something at least a little bit meaningful instead of being his usual, flustered self. “I mean, it means that you’re still human, in a way. Downworlders and humans are not so different, no matter how hard they like to pretend they are. We all feel things, we all feel loss and sadness and anger and longing. And it doesn’t diminish over time. We’re allowed to enjoy the life we have now and still mourn over the one we lost.”

Raphael looked at him, his gaze piercing. Simon felt slightly embarrassed, but managed not to break eye contact. He’d meant what he said, even if Raphael just thought he was being stupid.

“You’re right,” he said finally, his voice subdued. Simon couldn’t tell what he was thinking anymore. “You’re strangely insightful, Simon.”

Before Simon could say anything else, Raphael had got up and was walking away, as if he couldn’t quite believe that he had just paid Simon a weird sort of compliment. Simon did nothing except stare after him. He couldn’t help but feel that this conversation had brought the two of them closer together in some way, that maybe they’d moved past teasing and fun on the friendship scale and were now in the realm of meaningful conversations.

He was surprised, though perhaps he shouldn’t have been, to realise that he wanted that level of friendship with Raphael a hell of a lot.

* * *

 

“So is this our thing now? Meeting up in the middle of the day to bond?”

It was about a week after the first incident, and Simon had found himself out of bed again, wandering through the corridors of the Dumort. This time, he wasn’t really sure why, but he had felt a sudden restlessness, and wanted to wander around in the tranquillity.

He had been surprised to find Raphael also awake, milling around as though it was completely normal and not the equivalent of 3 a.m. for them.

The signature smirk was back. He had never thought that a smirk would make him feel a little warm inside, yet here he was.

“As if I would disrupt my sleep just to talk to you.” And there was the sass.

“So why _are_ you up then, if it’s not to wait in the hopes of being blessed with my presence?”

Raphael simply shrugged. “I could ask you the same question, you know. I guess I just like the fact that it’s the only time it’s quiet around here, the only time where no one needs me. That was, until you walked in.”

Simon tried to imagine what it was like for Raphael. He found this new life fairly hectic, but he wasn’t the leader of the entire clan and once he was in the Dumort he more or less blended in, or at least was unimportant enough in the clan not to have any responsibility. Raphael was the one holding the entire operation together, and running a hotel full of vampires was probably no easy task. Simon could understand why he liked the quiet so much.

“Well, sorry to have interrupted you, I’ll just go be loud somewhere—”

“No, stay. It’s fine.” Simon must have given him a weird look, because he added hastily, “You’re entertaining to have around.”

Simon took that as an invitation to sit down next to the older vampire, keeping a respectable distance between their knees. “I’m not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. Coming from you, probably an insult.”

That made Raphael’s lips twitch. “Probably.” He then frowned as if taking in Simon’s appearance for the first time. “What is that ridiculous thing on your t-shirt?”

Simon looked down, not even sure which of his ridiculous t-shirts he was currently wearing. “It’s BB-8. The droid from the new Star Wars. It’s cute.”

Raphael gave him a look of confusion, and Simon _knew._ He _knew_ that Raphael had never seen Star Wars, had never had the privilege of experiencing the masterpiece that is Star Wars. And he also immediately knew that an education was in order.

“Oh I haven’t—”

“Oh, man, you need to be educated. Let me go and get my laptop,” interrupted Simon. “We can start with the original trilogy, then the prequels, and then episode 8 and maybe we’ll fit Rogue One in somewhere, I’m not sure what the proper order to watch them these days is, but I’ve not done a marathon in ages, this will be great.”

Simon had a tendency to ramble, and he knew this, but for some reason the idea of watching Raphael’s reactions to the movies was very appealing to him, and to be honest he got a bit overexcited when the prospect of watching Star Wars again was presented to him.

And, even though Raphael was usually an expert at keeping a stony exterior, his lips quirked into a soft smile. Maybe it was the time of day, or the privacy, but he seemed a lot more relaxed than usual. Simon liked it; he felt more genuine.

“And what if I decided to refuse this Star Wars marathon?” he asked, but Simon was familiar with Raphael’s sarcasm by now.

“Well then, I’d have to strap you down and force your eyes open, because your mind, my friend, is about to be blown, willingly or not.”

It barely registered to him that he had just called Raphael his friend, that he had just acknowledged it out loud. He kind of assumed that he and Raphael were friends now, even if it was a tentative friendship, very different from his friendship with Clary or Eric or Maureen. It felt was new territory, but Simon was happy to explore it.

To his surprise, Raphael simply gave a little shrug and quietly said “Okay.” This caused Simon to grin, and rush off to his room, although still being unused to his vampire speed he ended up crashing into the doorframe on his way out. He didn’t turn around, but he could hear Raphael laughing softly behind him.

Minutes later, Simon was back, with A New Hope already loading on the screen. He was talking as he walked in, half to Raphael and half to himself. “Now, I don’t know what qualifies as movie snacks for vampires… Blood, I guess. But what kind?”

“Simon, stop being _un_ _idiota._ Just play the movie.”

“It just feels wrong to do a movie marathon without snacks,” he said, but he realised with a pang that he was never going to do another movie marathon with heaps of popcorn and chocolate. That small luxury was gone now along with so many other things.

He settled down on the couch next to Raphael, and there was an awkward moment when Simon wasn’t sure how they were both going to be able to see the laptop, but Raphael moved closer to him without much hesitation and he was able to balance it on both of their knees. They weren’t touching, but they were close, and for some reason Simon was hyper aware of the lack of distance between them.

He pressed play, and half watched the screen and half watched the other vampire’s reaction as the movie started. Raphael was generally a very intense person, and once he had devoted his attention to the screen he was transfixed. Apparently, he didn’t do anything half-heartedly, not even watching movies.

Star Wars may have been as familiar to him as his own body, but watching it with Raphael turned out to be a whole new experience.

* * *

 

In the end, they had only managed to watch the first two movies that day, as before they knew it the sun was nearly setting and the other vampires in the clan would begin to awaken. But Simon had returned the next day with his laptop in hand to find Raphael waiting for him already. Raphael claimed at first that they were ‘stupid and boring and I don’t see why you love them so much’ but from the way he had gasped at the reveal of Darth Vader being Luke’s father, Simon knew otherwise.

Even after they had finished all of Star Wars (Raphael had cried in The Force Awakens and Rogue One although he would never admit it and when Simon teased him the glare he got was so intense that he immediately shut up), they carried on meeting like this. They settled into somewhat of a routine, where every other day they would meet after everyone else was asleep and watch a movie or rather Simon would ramble about a movie and Raphael would pretend to begrudgingly agree to watch it but secretly get really into it. Simon was kind of proud of himself that he was slowly turning the supposed cold and cocky head of the vampire clan into a secret nerd.

When everyone else was awake, Raphael acted the same as ever towards him, which generally consisted of either mocking him or ignoring him, but Simon was okay with that. Their daytime conversations were an unspoken secret between them, something neither of them really knew how to classify so they simply refused to acknowledge it until they were alone again.

And then, one day when Simon was feeling particularly bold, he asked, “Why? I mean, why do we keep doing this? Why do you keep coming back to watch dorky movies with me when no one else is around?”

There was a moment of silence, and when he did answer, he didn’t look at Simon. “I guess that…it’s easy to just let go. To forget all the responsibilities and to just have a little bit of fun. You make things easier.”

The words humbled Simon, and made him realise that despite Raphael’s leadership of the clan, he wasn’t particularly close to any of them. He joined in when they were having fun, sure, but half of his time was spent trying to restrain and regulate them. He didn’t really have anyone who he could casually call a friend, not in the way Simon did with Clary.

“Raphael?” The older vampire finally turned to look at him, his eyes unreadable. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? You’re always allowed to relax and have a bit of fun, even if the world is ending.”

The look Raphael gave him managed, almost impressively, to be a combination of a glare and a smile. “Okay so maybe not the end of the world. But any other time.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Simon Lewis.”

* * *

 

Simon was so, so fucked.

If he truly admitted it to himself, this had been coming for a while. He had always known, objectively, that Raphael was attractive. There was no question about that, especially with the way he dressed with his suave suits and his air of confidence, but knowing that someone was attractive and having a crush on them were two very different things.

But yesterday, when Raphael had smiled at him when he’d made a dorky joke, Simon had looked into his deep brown eyes and realised with a jolt that somewhere along the road his feelings had moved past mere friendship. It dawned on him very suddenly that he had a huge crush on Raphael, the kind that wasn’t just finding someone attractive and wanting to make out with them. This was almost the kind of crush he’d had on Clary, the kind that ran deeper.

And now he was lying on his bed, not so much wondering how it had happened, because when he thought about it, it was obvious. No, he was wondering how it had taken him so long to realise, because when Raphael entered the room he couldn’t deny that he felt a little warmer inside. If it had still been functioning, he would have said that his heart skipped a beat.

And so Simon found himself in his current predicament, and the more he thought about it the more painful it was becoming. He didn’t know whether Raphael was even into guys or not; in fact Raphael hadn’t really shown an interest in guys or girls. Simon had made plenty of comments about which characters and actors he found attractive when watching movies, both men and women. He personally had been comfortable with the pansexual label for a while now and didn’t want to hide it, and although Raphael had been perfectly accepting of Simon’s sexuality, he had given absolutely no indications towards his own.

In reality, Simon probably had no chance with the leader of the vampire clan. But Simon’s stupid heart couldn’t give up its feelings, and he knew that the next time he saw Raphael would be equal parts painful and wondrous.

* * *

 

Simon and Raphael became steadily closer, their friendship even piquing the interest of the other members of the clan who had begun to notice it, and Simon kept falling. His eyes lingered on Raphael, his thoughts lingered on Raphael. It felt like a fire lit in his chest that burn stronger and brighter and more devastatingly as each day and night passed.

It wasn’t even that he thought that Raphael was dashingly handsome and brooding anymore, though at times he was. The moments that Simon noticed it the most were the times when Raphael would make a reference to one of the films they had watched together with his eyes smiling as he waited for Simon to understand and share in it, or when he protected members of the clan, baring his fangs at anyone or anything that dared threaten them, or when he comforted Lily Chen after the loss of her mundane girlfriend. They were small things, but it was the small things that Simon adored about Raphael, the small things that counted the most.

It was beginning to become unbearable; Simon wondered if he had the worst luck in the world. Twice now he had been stuck in the loop of unrequited love and unconfessed emotions. He’s thought that now he was finally over Clary he wouldn’t feel like that again at least not for a while, but of course Raphael had sauntered into the picture and made everything more complicated again.

He’d been a coward for so long with Clary and had kept his emotions bottled up for so many years and his brain was just about ready to explode with the prospect of doing so again. Rationally he knew that he should just pluck up the courage and ask Raphael out properly just to gauge his reaction. Half the battle was that he had no idea how Raphael would respond; he couldn’t read anything from him. He remained a total mystery to Simon in terms of romance, and though it was intriguing to a certain extent, it had gotten to the point where it was just plain frustrating.

It was two o’clock in the afternoon, and they were alone together. Simon was aware of the lack of space between them; their knees were casually touching. He had been silent for a while, mulling things over and trying to conjure up any boldness that he had, but this was probably suspicious because Raphael was giving him a weird look.

“Where’s Simon? You’ve barely said three words today.” Raphael’s voice was almost concerned.

“I thought you liked silence. You’re always telling me to shut up anyway.”

“Yes, because I don’t expect you to actually do it.” He shrugged his shoulders a little. “The movie is less fun without your ridiculous commentary. I barely know who any of the characters are.”

That shocked Simon a little. He’d always thought that his comments were annoying, though he couldn’t help the words that spilled out. He didn’t think it actually added anything to Raphael’s movie watching experience. For some reason, knowing this gave him a little bit of confidence.

“Do you like me?” Simon blurted without thinking, then immediately regretted it. “No—I mean, that came out wrong… Would you like to go out sometime? Like properly?”

It was certainly not the most eloquent thing he’d ever said, but honestly he was just proud that he’d managed to say it.

For his part, Raphael blinked at him in surprise. Simon didn’t think he’d ever seen that kind of shock expressed on the other vampire’s usually stern face. “Simon…”

Simon’s face was heating up, and the awkwardness in the room had sky rocketed. He couldn’t summon the courage to look Raphael in the eye and embarrassment seemed to be slowly killing him. Again.

“I mean, you don’t have to. It’s just if you want. I’ll be here.” He internally cringed at his stiff, awkward words. This was not how this was supposed to go.

Raphael looked downwards, fiddling nervously with his hands. Until now, Simon didn’t even think he was capable of being anxious about saying something, but when he spoke there was an edge of hesitancy in his voice. “Simon, I can’t.”

Even though the words sliced straight through Simon’s heart, he managed to keep his face mostly devoid of emotions.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I get it. I didn’t want to presume you were into guys or anything, I just…” He trailed off, unsure suddenly of what he was going to say.

Raphael looked at him, then looked back down at his hands. He seemed to be contemplating something, his mind filled to the brim with thoughts that Simon couldn’t even begin to guess.

“It’s not that,” he said finally. “Simon, I—” He took a breath and let it out before saying it. “I’m asexual and aromantic. I _can’t_ go out with you, not in the way that you want.”

That stopped Simon for a second. He knew what the terms meant in a way; he’d seen them floating around on the internet especially when he had been researching his own sexuality. He’d never really met anyone who identified as such, however. All of a sudden, he was terrified that he’d been making Raphael uncomfortable in some way.

He knew that he needed to be accepting in this moment, to show that he at least had some understanding of what this meant. Judging from the look on Raphael’s face, this wasn’t something that he was sharing with Simon lightly. His own crush on Raphael seemed to have melted away for the moment, because in this situation Raphael was a friend seeking acceptance from Simon and he wasn’t about to let his own feelings get muddled up with that.

“Okay,” he said at last. “I get it. I mean, I don’t _get_ it, but I understand that you can’t… And that’s fine, honestly it is. I don’t expect anything of you.”

Raphael’s eyes widened with shock. “You don’t?”

“Of course not, man. That would be pretty fucking rude, wouldn’t it? I’ll always try and respect your sexuality, though do tell me if I’m ever making you feel uncomfortable, because that’s the last thing I want to do.”

He’d said the right words, somehow, because Raphael relaxed next to him. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Looking across, Simon thought that he’d never seen Raphael look so vulnerable. “No worries. I’m your friend, Raphael, even if that’s all I’ll ever be. I’m here for you to talk to, if you want.”

That earned Simon a smile, a genuine one which lit up his whole face in a way that his signature smirk could never quite achieve. He looked achingly beautiful, but mostly because he looked happy. Simon was so relieved that his words had actually made the usually so stoic vampire even a little happy.

“You may be extremely annoying but… Thank you for being you, Simon.”                                                                                                                                                                 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](http://maychang.co.vu/) and cry about shadowhunters with me too


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